Why I can't stop smiling

I wouldn't necessarily call it depression.


Rather, it was the absence of happyness. 


I feel like there are so many who had their turning point in high school. The point when they truly are converted to the gospel of Christ.


I am one of them.




My Sophomore year was a great year and a horrible year for me. 
There was the period where after I got my braces off that I actually felt like something.


Someone.


Having a boyfriend only raised my self esteem and made me feel older, mature, and important.


That of course came crashing down when we broke up.


"Oh, the poor dear! A boy broke her heart!"


No folks, it was completely the other way around. 


I broke up with him.


I feel petty, writing about breaking up with a boy but it honestly was one of the hardest things I've done.


At the time, I had no idea why it had to be done. All I knew was that it hurt. It hurt a lot. And I sat on my tramp in my back yard, curled up in the fetal position crying. 

But this post isn't about some silly break up.

It's about what happened after.

You see, during the break up, something had happened. 

Because of all of my time had been dedicated to him, there had been no time for Him.

Not just Him, but my friends as well.

I felt like an awkward outsider who didn't belong.

I still had friends, people still talked to me. I still laughed and smiled and interacted with others. But there was just this feeling of lonliness. As soon as I was home, I just felt like no one cared. No one would care if I didn't go to school. Sure, they were nice when I was there, but would it really make a difference to them if I wasn't there?

I was there, on my bed every evening crying. Wondering why Heavenly Father would do this to me. I thought a lot. I asked Heavenly Father and learned to be fully reliant on him.

I never had a moment where one person reached out to me and said, "Aubs, I care." Rather, it was the opposite. It was me sitting there in my room and saying,

"Aubrey, right now you can go in two separate directions. You can sit here on your bed crying and feeling bad for yourself. Or, you can change.

You can grow! You can take this experience, look it over, and never go back. You can make the choice each day to stay depressed and upset. Or, you can decide each and everyday to be happy. You can walk these halls feeling like crap, but still being happy because we never want to feel this way again."

So it happened.

I changed.

And the funniest ting happened. 

Thanks to Him, I have never gone back.